on Friday I started choking on some soda and I was literally afeared for my life and I could not breathe and I legit thought I was gonna die and I was on the ground and tears were coming off my face and I kept trying to shout help and my friends were just like “haha, Maureen, we’re not buying it” AND I WAS LIKE, SHIT SO THIS IS HOW I DIE, I NEED THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER GUYS SHIT” 

but they just stood there watching a PBS show about a puppet chicken and I guess you could say I’m a living epitome of The Boy Who Cried Wolf except it was more like “The Girl Who Cried Puppet Chicken”.